Lucius Malfoy's Spectacular Quest
by Eyesuhkattspeleeng
Summary: We can all agree that Lucius Malfoy has done some not so nice things. So, the Ministry has come up with a suitable punishment to match his evil deeds. He's to live in the muggle world, with beautiful squib, Maura Hernandez. It's not as easy as he thinks.
1. Prologue: The Sentencing

Disclaimer: Anything Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling the plot and O.C.'s are mine.

Authors Note: It's been a good long time since I have written anything remotely funny, and I figured it's about time I should, since my humor is what I value the most about myself. I hope you find this story entertaining. So to start off with, let me explain to you what it's going to be about, since it's still a work in progress. It's about Lucius Malfoy, since he's my favorite Harry Potter character by far. And we all know about Lucius and his views concerning us non magical folk, commonly referred to as "muggles." Well, I figure, why not have a bit of fun with Lucius? Why not force him to live as a muggle? Should be fun right? Let us begin.

Our story begins in the not so distant future. Perhaps it is next month, or perhaps it is next week, perhaps maybe even tomorrow. But the date and time isn't as important as the events that takes place during the time frame.

There was once a man who did horrible things, and was justly punished for his crimes against humanity, though if you spoke to him, he'd say his punishment wasn't very humane. Perhaps it wasn't, but an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth right? He was in no position to bargain, for his life was on the line.

Yes, Lucius Malfoy was stuck between a rock and a hard place. His time in Azkaban was cut short by the Ministry of Magic who took it upon themselves to decide a proper punishment that would well suit his crimes. They felt Azkaban wasn't enough for him.

"Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, you stand here today accused of committing crimes against humanity. I'd like to take this time to say that you will not get off lightly, no matter how you plead. You're actions cannot and will not be justified in this court. Now how do you plead?"

Lucius stared at the seemingly massive witch in front of him, and if he didn't know any better, he would think he was shrinking to the size of a pixi. He truly was how the Greeks put it, boned. And how. He thought maybe he could throw around some cash, but he did not have any cash to throw around, for his wife had filed for divorce and took everything he had. For the fiftieth time that day, he caught him self thinking about Narcissa and for the one hundredth time he caught himself thinking the word bitch.

Before he answered, he surveyed the situation and tried to decide what to plead. If he plead not guilty, he was not admitting to anything, and that could buy him more time in Azkaban, for he was sure that Azkaban would be better than what they had in mind for him. But it was obvious he was guilty, so if he plead not guilty, the witch before him might decide to punish him anyway and it would be a lot worse than if he plead guilty. There was just no getting around it, he was boned. So very, very boned.

"Guilty." It was one word, but it was the hardest word he'd ever pronounced, which was absurd seeming he'd probably said it on multiple occasions, and read it on multiple occasions. But right now, it took all of his energy. You'd think he'd just read a whole book in Russian. The formidable witch smiled sourly at him, and he felt his stomach turn over. The witch took a dramatic pause before beginning the sentencing. The silence roared in Lucius' ear causing him to wince slightly.

"Very well, Mr. Malfoy. You are hereby sentenced to a year of living in the muggle world. Perhaps a day in their shoes will teach you a lesson. I have a niece that lives in America, and she'd be glad to take you in. You will travel by airplane or ship, you take your pick, and under no circumstances shall you use magic. Your wand will be returned to you once you can prove to me that you are more attuned to the needs of muggles. You are dismissed."

Lucius thought about offing himself right then and there, but knew that wasn't going to fly because he'd probably end up in purgatory, which sounded very boring to him. So, he decided to take his punishment like a man. He threw a hissy fit and demanded that he be taken back to Azkaban at once. But they wouldn't listen, and the next thing he knew he was being shoved on a plane to Texas.


	2. Worst Flight Ever

Flying in an airplane is a very peculiar sensation, especially if you don't fly very frequently. Sure if you're a commuter, you get used to it, but for us normal people who are tied down in one place, it can be extraordinary. Although, Lucius was no ordinary person himself, his very first flight did not make a good impression on him, and he hoped he would never have to fly again.

To start off with, he hated waiting for anything, thus he found that waiting at a security check point was not his cup of tea. The person before him had a plethora of metal objects on her person that kept setting off the alarm system, which beeped rather rudely at her. He waited behind her for ten, long agonizing minutes before they finally came to the conclusion that it was her nose stud that kept setting the alarm off. They tried to get her to take it out, but she insisted that she could not since she had only gotten her nose pierced the day before. When they finally determined that this woman was indeed not a terrorist, Lucius stepped through. To his horror, the alarm beeped before he had walked half way through the metal detector.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step aside," said a large, burly guard who had been eyeing Lucius since he stepped in line. They pulled him behind a screen and asked him to remove his shoes. Lucius quickly found that he did not enjoy being frisked. The little paddle thingy majig that they waved all over his body kept making an odd screeching noise, and Lucius was sure that it was not a good thing. He was half naked before they decided to submit a full cavity search. Lucius found himself in a cold impersonal room that contained no windows, nor any furniture except a metallic table, which looked foreign in such a barren room. The room was dark, except for in the middle, where a single bare light bulb hung from the ceiling. He was left alone for twenty minutes before another security guard entered, smiling wickedly at Lucius as he snapped a latex glove on his right hand.

"Please remove your clothes sir, and place your arms on the table, legs apart."

"I beg your pardon?" Lucius said, hugging what little clothes he had on to himself as if it would provide him protection. He could not and would not strip for a complete stranger. He waited until the third date for that sort of thing. The security guard raised an eyebrow at him.

"I repeat, please remove your clothing and place your arms on the tables, far apart, and spread your legs."

"I will do no such thing!" Lucius said, banging his fist on the table.

"Sir, are you hiding any illegal objects on your person?" The guard said in a firm, tone.

"No, I am not! This is completely ludicrous!"

"Sir, please do not resist, it gives us even more reason to suspect that you might be hiding something." The guards voice had risen into an intimidating volume, and this scared our poor Lucius to the point where he might crap his pants, if it wasn't for the fact that his butt cheeks were clamped tighter than a nuns chastity belt. But once again, Lucius found himself in a non negotiable situation. So, he submitted and did as the guard told him to, which was not his idea of a good time.

Thirty minutes later, he was being escorted to his terminal by airport officials who were apologizing profusely to him. Never in his life had he felt so violated, and there weren't enough free Starbuck's latte coupons in the world that could ever make him forget what had just happened to him. Even the fact that the guards who ordered and conducted his full body cavity search were suspended with pay did not cheer him up. As it turned out, he was carrying nothing, nor had they any reason to suspect that he did. Although he was not aware, his bare necessities were being rummaged through by baggage handlers who were in need of something to give their girlfriends for Valentine's day, and one could only conclude that he was not carrying those around with him. He was quite grateful to be up in the air, though he found it to be quite odd. He did not like the way his ears popped when they took off, and at every slight bump he found himself clinging to the businessman, who sat next to him.

What amazed him the most was how high up in the air he was. Of course he had flown on a broom stick, but never at this altitude, or speed. He wondered how bad it would hurt if this thing were to stop working and just drop out of the sky, and kept bombarding his neighbor with such questions. His neighbor found him to be quite tiresome, so he offered Lucius some sleep aid that would knock him out for at least eight hours of the fourteen hour flight that lay ahead of him. He told Lucius it was a pill to help with motion sickness, which, if you think about it, was partially true. Technically you weren't supposed to go around giving people very potent prescription sleep aid, but if the businessman wanted any peace, he really didn't have much of a choice. Within twenty minutes, Lucius was out like a light, and stayed that way for a very long time. The businessman was satisfied and didn't even mind the fact that Lucius drooled on his arm. He wiped it off and went about his business.


	3. Meeting Maura

Chapter 3: Meeting Maura.

Maura Hernandez was your typical girl. She liked a clean house, especially since she had a two year old terror running around her humble abode, screeching and fighting off imaginary ninjas who were out to steal his precious supply of diapers and baby powder. She liked to dress up, she liked to be pretty, and more importantly she liked to show off her cleavage, especially since she had a kid and they swelled up to an appreciative size. Now that she was single again, it was her favorite thing to do. She liked it when a guy would stop dead in his tracks and try to sneak a look down her shirt, so she could throw him a dirty look and walk off in a huff.

Maura was also a squib, who had come from a long line of Irish witches and wizards. Her family could not figure out what had happened, and so they sent her off to America to go to college, so she could at least make a decent living, even if it meant making a decent living as a muggle. She had chosen to go to a university in West Texas to major in mass communications, but she quickly dropped out after she had met her soon to be husband, who knocked her up on the first date. At first, her marriage was picture perfect, her husband was very attentive, but then he began to grate on her nerves. Fernando was very jealous and over protective of her, and it got to the point she couldn't even speak to the mailman with out Fernando getting suspicious. It had gotten to the point where Maura could not take him being so over bearing, so one night while Fernando was sleeping, she woke up her bags, packed the baby and fled to a friends house. They had been married a year and a half.

Of course, Fernando did not take this light heartedly and began stalking her. It was quite annoying when he showed up at her place at two o clock in the morning, wasted, and tapped loudly at her bedroom window so he could try and serenade her with a slurred love poem he made up on the spot. It did not help that she lived with her friend, who happened to have a penis. It did no good to tell Fernando that Gill was in fact one hundred percent homosexual. Every time Fernando had come around to pick up Carlos for his visitation hours, he always threatened to beat the ever loving shit out of Gill, who just shivered and cowered in fear. Lately, Gill had taken to locking himself in the bathroom when Fernando came over, or else he left altogether, which suited Maura just fine, because she had no desire to clean up Gill's bloody entrails off the wall if Fernando ever followed up on his threats.

Now, she was sitting on the front porch smoking her third to last cigarette ever, awaiting the arrival of her guest for the next twelve months. It was a complete surprise to her when two weeks ago her auntie Leona had written her a long letter, telling her all about this vicious wizard who needed some muggle sensitivity training, and had asked that Maura consider letting him stay with her through out his sentence. Of course Maura was a bit apprehensive, but then again it would be an opportunity to let some one else share her life. Maura had refused to call her life miserable, and tried to make the best of it, so she took her life to be interesting, and never boring. So she accepted, grinning at the prospect of Fernando coming face to face with a full fledged wizard.

_It won't be boring.  
_

Lucius stepped out of the cab and stared at the little ramshackle of a house he was to be staying in. It looked rundown, and there was no grass in the yard. There was a red headed woman chasing a toddler around a beat up car. The toddler giggled madly as the woman stopped to catch her breath. The toddler was grasping something in his hand, something Lucius couldn't see.

"Come on, Carlos, give Momma back her birth control pills!" The woman gasped. The toddler stopped and considered her request. He looked down at the disk container he held in his hand. He looked back at his mom and grinned evilly.

"No!" he squealed and began running around some more. The woman started to chase him again, but she stopped short to catch her breath again.

"Do you want Momma to have another baby? Do you want me to have to suffer through that again? Do you _ want_ a baby brother or sister?"

"Yes!" And the circle started again, but this time the woman did not chase him. He stood at a far distance and dangled the container in his hand, trying to open it.

"Fine, but I won't ever pay attention to you! All my attention will have to go to the baby, and you'll have to play with stinky, boring old Gill! And guess what?" She called at him.

"What?"

"It will steal all of your toys and ruin them!" She called, as if it were a serious threat. But it was all too serious to the little boy. His toys were his pride and joy. He took very good care of them, and they never broke. The little boy dropped the container in the dirt and looked at it with disgust. The woman hastily retrieved her stolen treasure, the toddler's attention was else where. He ran inside to go retrieve his plastic sword which defended him against all sorts of evil; whether it be secret agents turned evil or a shark that threatened to bite his little legs off whilst he had his bath.

Lucius looked at the cab driver who was hoisting his suit case from the trunk of the car. The cab driver paid no attention to the ruckus that took place before him, for he had four children of his own, and this was peace and quiet compared to the circus he went home to every night.

"Are you sure this is the right house?" He asked the cab driver. The cab driver shoved the suitcase into Lucius' arms, knocking the wind out of him.

"567 Austin right?"

"Yes, I believe that is correct."

"Then you're at the right place. Now who's paying the tab? You or Momma over there?" he asked, hoisting a thumb over his shoulder. The woman had finally realized her dogs were inside barking for a reason. Her guest had arrived.

"I'll pay, you take debit cards right?" The woman asked, and pulled a simple black men's wallet out of the back pocket of her jeans.

"Baby, I take anything that will keep my wife off my back."

The woman handed the driver a bank card and he ran it through his machine. He handed it back to her along with a receipt her to sign. She looked around frantically for something solid to sign on.

"Would you mind?" She asked Lucius motioning for him to turn around and bend slightly so she could use his back. He glared at her. "Never mind then." She said, and used the car window instead, though it was awkward. When the driver was satisfied, he took off, leaving Maura and Lucius alone for an awkward introduction.

"Well, I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Maura Hernandez." Maura held out her hand for Lucius to shake, but Lucius did not take it. Instead he looked at it as though it were made of radio active waste that would burn through his flesh and melt his bones. Maura's faint smile quickly disappeared.

"Charmed. I'm Lucius, Lucius Malfoy." Lucius said, his face a hardened mask of hatred.

"You could make the best of this. We'll have lots of fun." Maura said, bluntly, not really caring what he thought anymore. If there was one thing that she learned from being married to Fernando was that you could just not please some people and that you just had to let it go. Or else end up getting into a fight and then in jail, but that was beside the point. Although, she would of loved to give this uppity cracker a good thrashing, she knew that he wasn't worth the time, effort or bail bonds.

"I'm not here to have fun, Ms.- I'm sorry I didn't catch your surname."

"Hernandez."

"That's funny. You don't look very Hispanic."

"I'm not. I'm married to a Hispanic man. Well, technically we're separated, we haven't gotten around to the actual divorce yet…" Maura started but stopped when she realized she was babbling. The man glared at her in cold contempt.

"O..kay..well, I guess I'll show you to your room."

Lucius followed Maura into the house, where the toddler was whacking a very annoyed looking man with his sword. Lucius recoiled as two large dogs ran up to great him the traditional way, by shoving their noses into his crotch and sniffing maniacally.

"It's okay you two knuckle heads…he's with me." Maura told the dogs and tried to pull them back by the collar, but they did not give up. They continued sniffing him until they were certain that he wasn't going to try and murder their beloved family. Lucius felt a slightly painful whack around his shin area. He looked down to see the toddler trying to stab him to death with plastic.

"HIYAH!" He screeched with each whack. "YOU NO TAKE BURIED TREASURE!"

Maura scooped up the squirming toddler in her arms and planted him with large juicy kisses. The toddler squirmed harder and wiped at his face with his grubby little hands.

"Yuck! Top dat!" he said. Maura giggled and nuzzled him with her nose. She looked up at Lucius.

"This is my son, Carlos, the flesh eating monster. Flesh Eating Monster, meet Lucius. He's going to be staying with us for a while." She threw her head in the direction of the sullen man. "That's Mr. Sad Pants. He's never happy. You'd think with him being gay he'd always be happy." The man stood up and shot a look at Maura. He threw out his hand for Lucius to shake, and this time Lucius took it. He noticed right off the bat that the man shook hands like a sissy.

"Gill's the name." he said. Lucius sized him up for a second, trying to figure out how long it would take before he became the Alpha male. According to his calculations, not very long. The toddler could easily over throw him. The man was skinny, pale and was balding at a rapid rate. He also had no fashion sense, for he was wearing a second hand puke colored polo with worn Khaki's, and for heaven's sake he was wearing sandals, and not tasteful sandals either, flip flops none the less. Yes, Lucius was fairly certain he could take over, provided the toddler let him.

Lucius observed his surroundings carefully, plotting an escape root, not that it would be hard. The walls were bare and devoid of any memorabilia that gave proof of the existence of family members, which was good, especially if he ever got the notion to just murder them all in their sleep. The living room and dining room were joined, dirty brown carpeting tapered off into ugly yellow linoleum marked the boundaries between the two. Lucius could not see into the kitchen for a tactless woven blanket was nailed into the door frame, as a makeshift door way. Lucius was not impressed. This place was a dump. He was used to being pampered all of his life, but now, he was stuck in this hell hole for six months. He did not know how he would survive with out magic.

_A day at a time, a day at a time_, he told himself.

Maura took his suit case from him and led him through a dark, narrow hallway into a tiny bedroom, with holes in the walls. There lay a single mattress laid out before him, not even on a box spring. He was grateful that it at least had a full length mirror built into the wall. He could while away the hours just staring at his handsome form in the mirror.

"You'll have to excuse the holes in the walls. This is Carlos' time out room. We shut him in here when ever he starts to throw a fit, and well, as you can see he doesn't like it too much." Maura bit her lip, hoping he wouldn't demand that he take her room instead. She had cleaned this one up for him, and since she shared a room with Carlos, her room was in ruins.

"This will have to do I suppose…" Lucius said, not taking his eyes off his reflection. He tossed his long hair from his shoulder. He liked the way it hung when he did that. It was most appealing.

"Well, it's been a long trip, and I'm sure you're very tired, so I'll leave you alone. Nice meeting you by the way."

Lucius motioned her away with his hand, and she shut the door behind herself and went to call Fernando for it was his day with Carlos.


	4. Fernando The Mexican Sasquatch

To say that Fernando Hernandez was having a bad day would be a witty understatement. Not only had he gotten fired that very day, he had also come home to find that his room mate had moved out and had taken the majority of Fernando's electronic collection, which included a T.V. set that he had knocked over when he and Maura had a fight, an extremely old and decrepit computer that hardly worked, a ghetto blaster he had been given for his fourteenth birthday, and his prized stereo that was kept on a special shrine in his room. It was a wedding gift from his cousin Marcus, who had been killed in a drunk driving accident the year before. And now, Maura was bugging him about coming to pick up Carlos. Of course, he'd rather pick up Carlos and Maura, but since Maura was being selfish, there was no chance of that. So what choice did he have? As soon as she called him, he tried to argue with her, but instead of fighting she spoke calmly toward him, which made him even more angry. If that woman had any common decency she would let him take out his frustrations on her. Hadn't they both grown up Catholic? It was her duty, after all she was still his wife, even if she was his wife from a distance.

He hopped in his car and swore to himself that this would be the day that he won Maura back, once in for all, even if that punk ass Gill was tapping that. He was no fool. He knew Gill wasn't gay. Who was Maura trying to fool anyway? The next time he saw Gill he was going to really give it to him, and this time he meant it.

He needn't worry, Gill had gone to the store for the next four hours, as Maura had put it, when Fernando had asked to go to the bathroom, Maura had mysteriously blocked his way and said the toilet had over flowed.

"There's some one in there! Who is it Maura? Is it Gill?" Fernando accused, while Maura tried to keep him from getting into the bathroom, where Lucius was showering. "I hear the shower! Who's in there? Is it a guy? Come on out, man, I swear on my Moms' grave that I will kick your punk ass so hard…" This time he succeeded in knocking Maura out of the way, who began grabbing at his arm as he tried to open the door. It was locked.

"Come on, Fernando, no one is in there, I swear! Just take Carlos and leave!"

"Open up, mother fucker!"

"LEAVE FERNANDO! JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Maura screamed, but Fernando didn't hear her. He didn't hear the shower turn off either. He was too busy banging on the door.

"IF I FOUND OUT YOU BEEN SLEEPIN' WITH MY WIFE, I SWEAR…!" He roared with as much bestial vigor as a lion who has just caught his mate mating with some other stud lion. Then he got quiet because the lock clicked and the door opened. A cloud of steam rolled out with Lucius who was standing, looking quite confused at all the commotion that was taking place before him. He had a towel wrapped around his waist which left little to the imagination. Fernando looked stunned, and then his face reddened in anger and jealousy. Maura winced, imagining Lucius' pretty blond silver hair smeared with blood.

"Who in th-fuck are you?" Fernando demanded.

"I beg your pardon? Just who are you?" Lucius shot back, looking quite annoyed to be confronted in such a barbaric manner. He was used to class, and he certainly wasn't used to sasquatches shouting obscenities in his face.

"I'm Maura's husband. You been screwing her?"

"I most certainly haven't! To even suggest that I would sleep with some one like her…" Lucius scoffed. Apparently, there was no right answer or retort, for this seemed to make the sasquatch angrier.

"You sayin' my wife is ugly?" Fernando said, shoving a thick finger in Lucius' face.

"That's not what he's saying, Fernando." Maura said, finally speaking up. Lucius shot her a look, as if to say, "About damn time, woman!"

"Then just what IS he saying?"

"He's gay, this is Gill's newest boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy." Maura said, beaming. Fernando looked taken aback for a moment, but then he went back into defensive mode.

"I am not! I wouldn't sleep with the likes of him either!" Lucius said, putting his foot in his mouth. He mentally slapped himself.

"Don't feed me that bullshit Maura! First Gill, now this clown? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Alright, he's not gay. He's here on a count of a foreign exchange program. He's not boning me. I am actually getting paid for taking him in. I needed the extra money."

"Where is he from, France or some shit?" Fernando asked. Lucius rolled his eyes. Americans were so ignorant.

"England." Maura said, thinking the same thing that Lucius was thinking.

"Oh, so it's culture your after. I'm Mexican, baby, I'm all the culture you need." Fernando said, in a pleading voice. Maura stifled a laugh.

"I'm not looking for culture. Incase you forgot, I'm from Ireland. I don't consider him cultural. Now just take Carlos and bring him back in four hours. Comprende Papi?" Maura said in a flirtatious manner. If there was one thing that got Fernando going was Maura speaking Spanish in her Irish accent, it turned him on so much he just had to do what she asked. He shrugged and looked around for his little look alike with green eyes.

"Carlos! Daddy's here!" Maura called. Carlos came bounding out of Gill's room with a pair of women's underwear on his head. Fernando glared at this.

"You're not sleeping with Gill huh?" he said, shooting a look at Maura. Maura rolled her eyes and snatched the lacy thong from Carlos' head. She found the tag and waved it at Fernando.

"These are size 15. I wear size 6. These are plainly Gill's and not mine."

"Why does he wear thongs? Is he fruity or something?" Fernando said, looking confused. Maura sighed exasperatedly.

"Yes, Fernando. Gill is gay. That's what I've been trying to tell you, and you just don't believe me. Go in his room and look in the third from the bottom drawer in his dresser." Fernando glared suspiciously at Maura and went in and did what she said. Two minutes later he came out looking like he had just opened a very old coffin.

"That is some sick shit, man. Remind me to kick Gill's ass later for being such a freak."

"No. You won't bother Gill OR Lucius again, do you hear me Fernando?" Maura said, staring him down pointedly. Fernando ignored this, scooped up Carlos and left, but not before shooting a threatening glance at Lucius. Maura went to go put the thong back in Gill's room. Just before Fernando slammed the door shut, Carlos flipped Lucius the bird over Fernando's shoulder.


	5. The Scorned Ex Lover Of Gilbert

**No rights and such. All belongs to J.k. Rowling and all her wonderful Rowlingness.**

Lucius lay in bed that night, wondering to himself if the child was possessed. There was a certain aura emitting from the boy that Lucius couldn't quite put his finger on. Perhaps the kid was demon possessed.

_'Something ought to be done.'_

But alas, Lucius had no experience in the art of exorcism, though it wouldn't be too hard to figure it out; a little holy water here and there, a few hail Mary's, and perhaps a "The Power Of Christ compels you," for good measure. He was fairly certain that his sister in law Bellatrix had been exorcised more than once in her life time. But in the matter of the boy; Carlos was his name, it was quite obvious that he had it out for Lucius. When Carlos was brought home that evening, he growled maliciously at Lucius and had tried to cut off his head with his trusty plastic sword.

_'This is stupid; he's just a kid.'_

Maura herself laid in bed that night, going over the days events in her mind, while Carlos snored gently beside her. Fernando had brought him back; though he refused to come inside, insisting that if he came inside he'd kill the Canadian or what ever the hell he was. Fernando did not like competition, and when he was faced with an adversary he tended to rough them up more than was necessary.

Gill, however, was pleased when Fernando called him a fairy through the doorway. This meant that he wouldn't come within fifty feet of him because "he was scared he might catch AIDS or some other fairy disease." Gill was not at all hurt when he was told this, he was actually relieved, and didn't take offense, bless him and his ignorance. Gill was finally safe. Although, he had taken quite a liking to Lucius….

Maura giggled to herself as she thought of Gill, batting his lashes at Lucius when ever Lucius wasn't looking. He had even confided to her that he would love to run his fingers through his beautiful hair. Maura herself wasn't at all beneath trying to seduce the man, all though it was a complete physical attraction because all in all, Lucius was an arrogant criminal, and Maura would not allow herself to fall in love with a man like that again. Maura yawned loudly, switched the lamp off and snuggled into the blankets. She couldn't help but anticipate tomorrow, for tomorrow she was taking Lucius to run errands with her. She had to pay the gas bill first, and then she had to run to the grocery store. Perhaps she would even take him out to lunch. Maura then drifted off, her thoughts becoming more and more confused before sleep finally enveloped her, leaving her thoughtless and peaceful.

"Wake up, douche bag!" said a voice of a small child who had barely learned to talk. The voice over pronounced each syllable and there was cruel laughter in his voice. Lucius was convinced that the demon child was possessed. If his son had ever talked to him that way, he'd be in an everlasting coma, never to wake up, not even when the healers pulled the plug while his bitchface mother wept beside his cold unmoving body.

_Narcissa…._

Lucius' heart gave a tug when he remembered her. He thought of her every day, and the more he thought about her, the more he despised her. It was her fault he was here, she was the one who thought it would be a good idea to cast the Confundus charm on muggles, causing them to run into brick walls and walk into the middle of busy intersections. She thought it would be a good laugh, and it was to a point until a ministry official caught them in the act while he was getting coffee. Narcissa got away, claiming she was drug there and that Lucius was an overbearing control freak, demanding impossible things, making her do unwanted tasks and dragging her along while she watched helplessly as he tortured people for the fun of it. The truth was, their marriage was falling apart. She told him she had a thing for torturing muggles, and that if he wanted to turn her on, all he had to do was kill one. The more fatal the blow, the hotter she got.

"I said, wake up, douche bag!" came the voice again. Lucius popped open an eye, and there was the little shit, standing over him, about to spit on his face. Lucius sat up just in time, for a long string of spit started to seep from the demon pig's mouth. The child was knocked over, and began crying, like he had been murdered. Maura rushed into the room, worry clouding her face.

"He hit me!" Carlos cried, loudly. Maura reached down and scooped up the child, cooing at him to hush that he would be fine.

"I did no such thing! The child was about to spit on me!" Lucius cried out, as he jumped out of bed. He saw Maura blush, and the child grin. He looked down at himself and remembered that he had slept in the nude, for the lack of air conditioning in his room. He snatched blankets up and covered himself. Gill sidled into the room, sipping coffee, just in time to see the naked Lucius. His eyes went wide, and his jaw dropped.

"Well, it's true! I did not strike the child!" He said, trying to ignore the fact that the two adults were now gaping at him. "Stop staring! I insist that you believe me!"

"I believe you, he's picked up a lot of bad habits from his father, but, god you've got a great package." Maura could not help her self from ogling his form, unable to shake the image of his naked body from her head. Gill turned to her and glared. They had discussed him earlier that morning, and had an argument over who could bed him first. Of course, Maura put up the best argument, but Gill insisted that he was falling in love with Lucius, and that Lucius had gay tendencies, and would probably break. Maura laughed at him and told him he was over confident and did not reveal to him that Lucius wouldn't sleep with a man with such bad taste in clothes. Maura herself had a great sense of style, something that Gill would never posses as long as he lived for he still had far too much testosterone in his system to ever stop being color blind.

"Thank you, I think." Lucius said, staring at Maura's quaint but ample bust. He felt a stirring deep within him, for he hadn't been complimented in such a way by a woman in ages. Oh, she definitely had a thing for him. He could sense these type of things, but of course, what woman could resist him, at least she was being open about it.

"You're welcome, I think. Now get dressed, we've go a lot to do today." Maura said, putting Carlos down, who ran from the room cackling evilly.

"What do you have planned?" Lucius asked apprehensively, wondering if she was going to rape him.

"She's planning on seducing you away from me." Gill piped up, being over confident again. Lucius threw him a disgusted look, and Gill sank away, heart broken.

"Gotta run some errands. That reminds me, be a lamb Gill, and drop Carlos off at day care for me?" Maura said.

"What? No! That kid hates me, Maura." Gill said, and looked genuinely upset.

"Oh it's only a fifteen minute car ride, Gill. Trust me, if he causes you to wreck, I'll get him for it later."

"Why can't you do it? I have to be at work in an hour!" Gill whined and pointed at his watch. Gill was a perfectionist, he preferred to be on time, even though he worked at a hospital with fifteen other people doing the same thing he did.

"Fine, I'll take him, but I have to work tomorrow, and I have to be in at five, so you'll have to take him."

Gill gave a groan, and stalked out of the room, leaving a scent of strong cologne behind him. He thought that by bathing in cologne, Lucius would find him attractive, though he could smell him from fifty miles away. Maura ogled Lucius once more and left, shutting the door behind her quietly. Lucius quietly got dressed, shaken.

An hour later, he and Maura were on their way to pay the gas bill. She had asked Lucius to run it in for her, and this scared him a bit. What was he supposed to say, what if they asked him to take a test or something? Maura parked the car in front of a small brown brick building. She handed over an envelope to Lucius who looked at it.

"What do I do?" He asked a bit childishly.

"Just take it and give it to the person at the desk, and tell them it's for Gilbert Gutierrez."

"Couldn't you just mailed it?" He asked.

"I could of, yes, but it was due five days ago, and I put it off too long to mail it."

Lucius took the envelope from her, and slowly exited the car. Maura watched and couldn't help but giggle at the way he flinched when he pushed the door open.

Lucius looked around for the source of the tinkling sound. There was a bell attached to the door. If he had his wand he would of cursed it into oblivion for scaring the piss out of him. A well dressed man sat at a desk, typing away at a computer, trying to look busy, for he was busy playing a game until the bell sounded.

"Can I help you sir?" The man asked, brightly, looking slightly guilty.

"Erm, I'm here to pay a bill…" Lucius said, walking over and dropping the envelope on the desk. The man opened the envelope and took out the cash.

"Who's name is the account under?"

Lucius thought for a second, trying to remember Gill's last name.

"Gilbert Guchi-" Lucius trailed off, forgetting how to say it…

"Gutierrez?" The man offered, his eyebrow cocked.

"Yes, I believe so."

The man began typing into the computer again, the keys clacked, and Lucius stood there unsure of what to do? Was it safe to leave yet?

"Tell Gill I don't appreciate him not calling me back." The man said, staring at the computer screen. He was obviously a scorned lover.

"Will do." Lucius said, hoping this was his queue to leave, but it was not.

"Are you his new boy toy? I heard he got some one new. Three years together, and this is how he repays me. He sends his new lover in to pay the freaking bill." The man looked to be on the verge of tears.

"I'm- You couldn't possibly think- I'm not his lover! I'm with Maura!" The man looked up in surprise, and if Lucius weren't mistaken, there was a bit of sympathy mingled in.

"You're with Maura? Good luck, buddy. The last three guys she's dated ended up disappearing. Her ex is the jealous type."

"I gathered that. But I'm not dating Maura either, I'm just living with her." The man smiled as if to say, "Sureeee you are." He handed Lucius a receipt and some change. Lucius started to walk away, when the man called after him.

"Give Maura my love, and give Gill a kick in the nuts for me!" Lucius lifted his hand up, and waved good bye.

Maura noticed he looked kind of flustered when he clambered back into the car awkwardly and fumbled with his seat belt. He handed Maura the change and the receipt. She took it and stuffed it into her purse.

"Who in the hell was that?"

"You must mean Frederick. That's Gill's ex boyfriend." Maura said, smiling deviously.

"He thought I was Gill's new boyfriend. By the way, he told me to give you his love."

"Did he? He's always been a sweetheart." Maura said, and waved faintly through the window at Frederick who blew her a kiss.

"He also told me to kick Gill in the nuts."

Maura threw back her head and laughed. Lucius couldn't find it funny, however.

"He caught Gill cheating on him, wasn't a pretty picture. Frederick was willing to forgive him, but Gill…well he played the victim."

Lucius glared at Maura for sending him into a trap. She gave him an innocent look, and shrugged her shoulders.

"Did you tell him you weren't Gill's boyfriend?" Maura asked, quietly, trying not to laugh.

"Yes, and he thinks that you and I are…well you know…"

"Screwing?"

"Precisely." Lucius said, nodding trying not to cringe at the thought. Maura looked around, as if to make sure no one were looking. She then looked towards the window where Frederick was peering out, curiously. She then pulled Lucius' head toward her and gave him the biggest kiss he'd ever received. At first he fumbled and squirmed about, but Maura's fingers were laced through his hair. He looked around wildly and could see Frederick jumping up and down clapping his hands. Finally, Maura released him.

"What in the bloody hell was that about, woman?" He asked furiously. Maura smiled at him sheepishly. He wiped his mouth and resisted the urge to spit.

"Just thought I'd put a show on, he was being snoopy!"

"Well now he's going to talk and tell everyone!" Lucius yelled, suddenly afraid his reputation was ruined.

"Who do you know here?" Maura asked, raising her eyebrow at him. Lucius glared at her, realizing she was right. "At any rate, he won't tell Gill cause Gill won't talk to him."

"Yes, but still, I kissed a muggle!" Lucius said, in a disgusted tone. It was Maura's turn to glare at him.

"For your information, I'm not a muggle. I'm a squib, and the reason you're here is to learn to be tolerant of non magical people, and if you think that just for one minute you can push me around because I don't have the same capabilities as you, think again. I won't put up with it." Maura looked away, and threw the car in reverse and took off, leaving Lucius utterly confused.


	6. Soap Operas and Sex

**A/N:Oh my, I loved DH very much. I don't think I've ever cried over a book so much before. I felt really really bad for Snape. **

Lucius felt something he'd never felt before in his life, remorse. Maura had ignored him after their little encounter and made rude snide comments that made Lucius want to cower. No woman had ever made him want to cower. Yes, one can gather that Maura was a tough girl. Even Fernando admitted that much. Lucius didn't not like being on her bad side. Carlos was being even more unbearable towards him, though he wouldn't go as far as to think that Maura was actually encouraging him to do so. No, when ever Carlos would do something horrible towards him, Lucius pictured Fernando's face, laughing. Carlos' little pranks on him grew progressively worse, and Lucius was quite certain that he'd never encountered some one so small that was so evil. He reached this conclusion when Carlos had locked one of the dogs in the room while he was gone. It wouldn't of been so bad, but the dog had been running around in mud, and Lucius couldn't tell what was mud or what was feces. Either way, it was pretty bad. Lucius was forced to wash all of his clothes by hand before washing them in that dratted machine he could not figure out. Yes, this was a fate worse than death. He was much to rich, powerful and most of all pretty to of sunk that low. To make matters worse, Maura never said anything to the little pig demon. Oh no, she turned a blind eye and refused to spank the child. Lucius couldn't help him self, he had to be grateful to who ever was in charge, that he did not have Rosemary's Baby, aka The Spawn of Satan aka, Carlos. After Lucius had washed his clothes for the third consecutive time, since the stains didn't come out the first two tries, he decided to demand that Maura do something about it.

Maura was sitting in the living room, watching her day time soaps. She looked up to see a very disheveled Lucius standing in front of her. She gave a snort.

"That's a good look for you. What happened?" she asked, taking a bite out of a chocolate cookie. Yes, even she, being who she was, watched soaps and ate chocolate, and generally hated the male race in general for 2 hours out of the day, and then for 5 days out of one month. Today, she was mad at a charming bad boy type named Ricco for breaking the lovely Angela's heart by sleeping with her mother, and dumping her for another man. All of this had happened in ten minuets time, just enough for Angela to find out she was pregnant, even though the father could be any one she'd ever slept with more than once which was saying a lot because Angela was mixed up and had slept with a lot of men over the due course of one month. But still what woman deserved to be called a selfish whore and then have dirty water sprayed all over her by a motorcycle? Yes, Angela was a lost cause. She almost committed suicide in this episode, but her high school sweet heart barged in because he'd received a phone call from a neighbor who had spotted her trying to hang her self with a piece of ribbon in her living room. He'd driven across country in five minutes to make it just in time to cut down the ribbon, thus capturing Angela's heart, once again.

"Had to hand wash all of my clothes. Grady got into my room some how and dirtied everything up."

Maura motioned him to move out of her way, because Angela's high school sweet heart was now proclaiming his love for her, once again, and was down on one knee asking her to marry him, for the third time.

"You'd think this poor bastard would get the message after being left at the alter two times by the same woman." Maura said offhandedly. Angela was about to give her answer, but the credits came on. Maura picked up the remote and switched the T.V. off. "Just goes to show you, men are stupid."

"Yes all fine and well, but you didn't let me finish. You'll never guess who was rolling around in the mud with Grady before Grady some how got into my locked room and rolled all over everything, and defecated right in the middle of my bed." Lucius said, trying to get his point across.

"If you're suggesting that Gill would sink that low…might I remind you, Gill has O.C.D and has a fear of dirt." Maura said, but was cut off.

"I wasn't suggesting Gill at all! You're not listening! Your son! Your son is a sadistic evil little midget!" Lucius said, scowling.

"Tell me something I don't know." Maura said and rolled her eyes.

"Well, aren't you going to do something about it?"

"What do you want me to do? I give him a spanking, he cries, and gets this really sorry look on his face, and then five minutes later he's doing the same thing! Why bother?" Maura said, in a defeated tone. "His father influences him a lot more than he realizes. Fernando used to pull all sorts of awful things on people he didn't like. Just ask his mother. His mother sprinkles Holy Water on herself every time she sees him."

"That may be so, but you can't give up that easy! Something has to be done! If he were my son…" Lucius started.

"But he's not! So don't even act like you know what's best for my son." Maura snarled, looking very offended that he was questioning her parenting skills, which were not up to par. She glared daggers at him.

"You think? If my son ever pulled things like that, he'd never see daylight again! I'll have you know my son is a successful Ministry official, and I'll tell you one thing missy, it isn't because I spoiled him."

"Oho…didn't spoil him did you? I should tell you, my sister went to school with Draco and told me he was the most arrogant hateful bully she'd ever met. Said he always pushed her around like she was nothing. Where did your son learn such things?" Maura said, smiling evilly. Lucius turned red. If it was war she wanted, it was war she would get.

"Give me one day with your son, and he'll be a new kid." Lucius said in a dangerous low voice. Maura gave out a laugh.

"He'd eat you alive and then spit out your bones. Just ask Gill." Gill thought he was the only one that Carlos took out his aggression on, but he didn't know the half of it compared to Lucius.

"Is that a challenge?" Lucius asked, matching Maura's evil smile. Maura shrugged.

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't," she shrugged. "At any rate, what makes you think I would leave Carlos alone with you anyway. Incase you haven't noticed, you're a criminal. I'm not stupid."

"That's news to me." Maura gaped at him, and her face turned into a mask of fury.

"Oh, that's the last time you'll insult me, pretty boy." She stood up and got in his face. He had to cross his eyes to see her. "At least I don't spend an hour a day looking at myself in the mirror."

"At least I know what a mirror is."

"Horse faced bastard."

" Bulbous nosed squib bitch."

Neither of them were sure why it happened, but the next thing they knew, they were toppled on the couch, kissing each other mercilessly. No, Lucius Malfoy did not love Maura Hernandez, he hated her. And nothing had ever turned him on so much. Nothing brings you closer together like hatred, not even love. That could also explain why he felt the urge to kill her, whilst he felt the urge to fuck her senseless. He did not act on the first impulse, but the second impulse was much harder to resist, as she was tugging at his pants, pulling them around his ankles. No, he could not contain himself any longer. He fucked her brains out, not caring that Gill was due to arrive home in five minutes time.

"God-you-suck-at-this…" Maura gasped, bouncing up and down wildly on him.

"Then-geroff-me" Lucius said, forcing her up and down with his hands.

"Can't-about-to-" then she fell off of him, breathing hard. Gill walked in at that very moment, gasped and went back outside, trying to forget what he just saw. Maura tried to get up, but Lucius pulled her back down on him.

"Just because you're finished doesn't mean I have." He growled as he bit her neck. Maura rolled her eyes and yawned as he finished up.

"Oh just hurry up already. Gill's probably outside trying to kill himself…"

"Would you just shut up? I can't finish when you're running your loud mouth." He hissed, and finished completely. He gave Maura a shove and she rolled off him, hitting the floor with a loud thud.

"Such a gentleman." She said, gathering up her pants and pulling them on. Lucius followed suit, for he heard Carlos yawn really big from the next room, apparently just waking up from his afternoon nap. Gill's head poked in through the front door.

"Is it safe to come in?" His eyes were closed.

"Yes, you can come in. Coast is clear." Maura said, smoothing her hair out. She hated sex hair, it always made her feel ashamed of her self. Gill came in fully.

"Good, and please, the next time you two decide to well…you know…refrain from doing it in the living room." Gill said, rushing to his room, slamming the door behind him.

"So…this never happened right?" Maura said, awkwardly, looking down at her feet.

"Too right, it didn't." Lucius said. "And it never happened the next time it happens either." He smirked. Maura shot him a look.

"Confident are we? Well, just to let you know, the only reason I got off was because I haven't had sex in nearly six months, so don't go thinking you're good in the sack, cause your not. I've had much better."

"Right, and your naked arse made me want to vomit." Lucius said, smiling slightly.

"Then it's agreed, we both find each other utterly repulsive and the only reason we did what we did was cause we're both hopelessly desperate." Maura said, holding out her hand for Lucius to shake.

"Agreed."


	7. Fast Food Virgin

_Disclaimer: Since I don't like getting sued, I should tell you, this is just a spin off of the Harry Potter books. Le gasp! It was indeed J.K. Rowling who thought up of everything you see here, and she's just doing me a service by letting me borrow Lucius. I am just a hopeless geek who writes fan fiction. And before you start rolling your eyes and think "She's got that right," might I remind you, it's YOU who's reading this. You can stop anytime now. Right now would be a good place to stop, but you've already gotten this far you might as well just keep reading. As far as spelling and grammatical errors go, I'm trying to find them and correct them, so if you would, please point them out to me so I can get them taken care of. I'd consider you my favorite person in the whole wide world.So, before I start rambling (I believe it's too late, sorry about that), let us commence with the epic saga that is known as my story_._ Oh just one more thing: I don't have any rights to use Conan O'Brien's, Jay Leno's, Jimmy Kimmel's, or that weirdo David Letterman's name.  
_

Lucius sat on the couch with Maura, absentmindedly running his fingers through his hair, and twisting it about. They were watching a morning news show and today's guest was an up and coming actress, who had starred in the year's biggest hit. Lucius of course was not interested in the movie. He was far more interested in trying to imagine what she looked like naked. She had wonderful breasts and the cleavage that seemed to never end. He wanted to roll around and bury his face in that rack, though not for long, he had a fear of suffocation. The anchor wasn't bad either, but she far too talkative for his liking. Why couldn't people just shut up and look beautiful for once? It was what he liked to do at fancy dinner balls and such, and he loved basking in awed stares of beautiful but yet untouchable pure blooded young witches. A commercial cut in, a trailer for a movie. The ad claimed that it was the best film of the year, all though it just seemed to be just a bunch of special effects and violence. Another movie trailer butted in after that one, and a deep booming voice declared that this movie was a must see block buster. Lucius watched for a second and realized the deep booming voice was the same one as the other trailer. This confused him profoundly.

"Does one man commentates on these…advertisements?" Lucius asked Maura.

"You know, I've never thought about it before, but I think so. I think the guy that does it was on Leno once. Or maybe it was Conan?" Maura screwed up her face trying to remember. Lucius did not know what a Leno was or what a Conan was, but he did not really care. Maura shrugged. "It's hard to tell. I forget the details, but- maybe it was Kimmel…God this is annoying. It seems like such a Conanish thing, but it's hard to tell. They're all outrageous. I know it wasn't Letterman, but maybe it was…"

"Maura you're rambling." Lucius pointed out, completely lost.

"Sorry, I just get to thinking, and I can't stop myself." Maura blushed. "Point being, I think it is one guy. It gets you thinking though, how come they don't get a woman with an impressive voice to do some of them? Add a little flavor to the mix." Lucius rolled his eyes, and Maura glared at him. "Great, you've inspired me to start a movement. I hope you're pleased with yourself."

"Happy to oblige. I know I add color to your otherwise meaningless life." Lucius looked at his fingernails, and Maura slapped him on the back of his head. He gave a jolt, and rounded on her.

"Harpy! That hurt!"

"Awww…is wittle Wucius gonna cwy now?" She said, and stuck her bottom lip out in a fake pout. Lucius leaned forward and bit her lip, and engulfed her in a forceful kiss. She struggled and managed to push him off. She wiped her lips and spat animatedly. "Yuck. Pureblood cooties." Lucius faked a pain look and held his hand at his heart.

"Ouch, shot through the heart."

"Get over it, yella belly." Maura said, in a deep Texan accent that she had perfected over the years. "At any rate, I've got a treat for you today." She said, and picked up a nail file from the coffee table, and began working on her nails. It did her no good because she was a compulsive nail chewer that bit her nails into bloody stumps.

"Oh, wonderful!" Lucius said, clapping, and in a simpering voice he added, "I'm absolutely enthralled. Your surprises are always so thrilling! Remember when you made Gilbert's ex boyfriend think that myself and Gilbert were lovers? Oh lest we forget when we took Grady and Omar to the animal healer. I just enjoyed being dragged around by a horse of a dog who had to stop and urinate on everything, including the receptionist! That was great fun, you bitch."

"Oh it won't be that bad."

"You say that, but can you honestly say that it won't be disastrous?"

"Well, no, but it'd be pretty hard to screw this one up."

"That's reassuring, I assure you." Lucius said, his eyes narrowing. In fact, he was rather nervous. Maura seemed to get a kick out of making him uncomfortable, which might explain why she always called Fernando over when she knew Lucius was going to be naked or at least part way there. Gilbert, of course, always got excited. It was a show to him, he'd always have popcorn ready, and found a good seat to watch it all, grateful he was not Fernando's target anymore. Each time Fernando left, he always vowed to take care of Lucius once and for all, and Lucius couldn't help but thinking that he was, indeed tapping Fernando's wife, even though Maura and himself denied it. It gave him smug satisfaction to think of the nights when Maura snuck into his room where they performed the animalistic ritual of sex. Ah, yes, Fernando would be really pissed if he found out, but that did not come with out a price, and the price was Fernando and Maura's life. They'd kill each other, and drag Lucius down with him Though it was a small price, he hated them both.

Maura looked at the clock that was placed above a cluttered desk and hopped up.

"Come on get dressed. It's almost noon." Lucius followed suit, wondering what today's events would bring him.

Half an hour later, Lucius was walking towards the car, with a fifty pound bag of dog food slumped over his shoulder. Maura walked behind him, fumbling with her keys. As they neared the car, Maura hit a button and the trunk of the car popped open. Lucius heaved the bag into the trunk with a grunt, slid to the ground and began gasping.

"Why-couldn't-we-of-just-used-the-cart-thing?" he asked her. She grinned at him.

"I like seeing a man lifting heavy objects around, it turns me on so. But you've earned your surprise."

Lucius couldn't help but thinking that she was treating him like a dog. He had to earn rewards by doing grunt work. It just wasn't fair. All he had to do in Azkaban was wail really loud and act crazy, they never made him do any work, and that suited him just fine. He crawled his way to the car, get ting weird looks from people passing by. He clawed his way into the passengers seat, where Maura had already started the car and was waiting for him to shut the door before she took off.

That was another thing. Maura, scared the shit out of him with her driving. Of course, being in a car all together scared him, but she was a fucking lunatic behind the wheel. She sped, pulled out in front of people, and yelled at them for being retarded. Today was no exception. The pet shop was located on a very, very, very busy street. They stood still for ten whole minutes until Maura finally got frustrated. She floored it, causing the tires to squeal. Other cars were stopping and swerving to avoid her. Lucius let out a little scream, shut his eyes and closed his ears. When he finally opened them, Maura was laughing.

"Drive it like it's insured!" she whooped and sped through a yellow light just as it turned red.

Lucius could finally breathe when they were at a steady stop, and the keys were taken out of the ignition. He glanced around the parking lot, wondering what she was up to. The parking lot was moderately filled, and as it appeared, it seemed to be some sort of restaurant, but it was odd. There were cars pulling up beside the building and workers seemed to be giving the people in the cars food. This was a very interesting concept to Lucius. He wondered how it worked. Did the cars park, and a waiter come out, take orders, and when the food was ready the cars just merely had to pull up, take their food and leave?

_It could work_, he thought, in retrospect, it would be a lot faster then going in to sit down. When he got back to the wizarding world, this was certainly a new concept to them. He could make oodles of galleons by doing this sort of thing. Muggles: zero, Lucius Malfoy: one hundred and forty two.

"This is it." Maura said.

"What is this place?"

"This, Lucius, is a fast food joint. This is your surprise." Maura said, beaming. It wasn't everyday she got to take an adult to try his first fast food. She was sure he would love it. Lucius thought for a second. Yes, he was indeed hungry. Carrying fifty pounds twenty five yards did work up an appetite, not to mention Maura's driving drained him of all his energy.

"Maura, explain this fast food concept to me," he demanded, wanting to know how it worked so he could exploit it.

"Well, it's no different from any other place, except for the drive thru."

This is what he really wanted to hear about. This "drive thru" would make him rich.

"Well, you just go through the line, and they take your order. You drive through the line and within in five minutes your food is ready." Maura said, over estimating minimum wage paid teenagers who rarely ever saw fit to provide good service. Nope, hard earned money was not in their vocabulary.

"I see." Lucius said, scheming. "Let us go in. I must say I am famished."

"But, Mooooommmmmmm I want a toy!" A slightly overweight child wailed. His morbidly obese mother looked exasperated.

"You're too big for the kids menu, Charlie! You could eat three of them easily and still be hungry. What about a double cheese burger with large fries and coke, honey?" Her attempt to negotiate was futile, for the child screwed up his face and threw himself to the floor.

"I want a toy! I want a toy! I WANT A TOY!" He sobbed. Lucius did not know why the maitre de did not just throw the boy out. Maura had made her way to the bathroom, and Lucius waited at the door to be seated. A pimple laden boy behind a counter looked over and resisted the urge to laugh.

"You could just buy the toy extra, ma'am." He suggested. The mother looked at him, a tear gleaming in her eye. The boy stopped crying and wiped his runny nose with the back of his arm.

"Okay then," the mother said, looking up at the menu. Lucius was truly disgusted by what happened next. "We'll take four double cheese burgers, two extra large fries, and two extra large diet cokes. That's for here."

"And my toy." The boy said, happily.

"Can't forget the toy." The teenager said, and punched some thing into a computer. The woman handed him some cash and the worker handed them their drinks on a tray. The little boy skipped off to a booth, his toy already ripped open from its plastic packaging. Lucius was vaguely reminded of his own son. Maura came back, a factory soap scent emitting from her hands.

"I've been standing here for," Lucius looked at his gold watch that glimmered eloquently on his perfectly sculpted wrist. "three minutes and counting, and we STILL haven't been seated."

Maura snorted, amused.

"This isn't that type of restaurant, Lucius. We have to seat our selves." She stepped up to the counter and the boy behind the register greeted them, half heartedly. "Umm..okay. We'll have two cheese burgers, two French fries, and an iced tea." She turned to Lucius. "What do you want to drink?"

"I'll have a glass of Merlot. Driving around in that death machine you call an automobile did a number on my nerves."

"Aha, you almost made me laugh. Seriously though, they don't serve alcohol here. Your choices are a sweetened carbonated drink that comes in various flavors or iced tea. Have your choice."

"Oh well, they all sound dreadful so you choose."

Maura turned back to the cashier, who was giving Lucius a peculiar look. Lucius fought the urge to massacre him right then and there.

"Coke it is."

"Is this for here or to go?"

"For here."

"Your total is 12.51."

Maura pulled her wallet out of her back pocket and handed the man a card, and the man swiped the card on the computer. A long stream of paper ejected and Maura signed it. The cashier put their drinks on a tray just as he had with the fat woman and her spawn. They found themselves a table, which was sticky and was covered in a thin layer of salt.

"So, when you first moved here, how did you learn all of this?" Lucius asked conversationally. Maura raised an eyebrow at him.

"I just did."

"And you had no problems?"

"Well, of course I did. I came from pretty much the same background you came from, only I can't do magic. It was rough, I admit that, but with Gil's help and Fernando's help I made it through." Maura took a drink from her tea. Lucius followed suit, for he wasn't exactly sure how a straw worked. It was amazingly simple, and it took him a few tries before he finally got the hang of it.

"I must say, it is a lot harder than I expected it to be." Lucius said, thoughtfully.

"Well of course it is. You've always had it easy. A simple wave of a stick, and it was done. Me on the other hand, I've always had to do things the hard way. You watched your wife give birth, I expect?" Maura asked.

"Why of course I did!" Lucius exclaimed as though he was the world's bravest man.

"You wizards, you have all sorts of amazing potions that cure pain and such, and not only that, but you can magically stretch all those nit picky parts down there to astronomical proportions so it's only takes a few seconds to pop that sucker out. When I had Carlos, it was fourteen hours of labor, and they waited until the last second to give me an epidural. You could not imagine how much that sucked."

Lucius tried to imagine that, but his tiny close minded brain would not. It was just too gross to think about.

"I suppose you're right. I cannot. Can I ask you something though?"

"Mmm?" Maura said, the scent of popping grease taking over all her senses. She was hungry.

"I knew your father, we used to do business together. Tell me, I'm curious to know, how did your family react when they discovered you'd been impregnated by a muggle?"

Maura's looked up at him sharply, her face paling. Lucius regretting asking, for it was apparent to him that he'd landed on a very touchy subject. Maura looked down at the table and began nervously wiping at it with a ketchup stained napkin that was laying near the napkin dispenser.

"How do you think they reacted?" She asked quietly.

"Well, just a shot in the dark here, I could only assume, what with the sudden change in attitude, that they did not react very well."

"Exactly. I even went home after I had him, and they slammed the door in my face." Maura said, her eyes filling with tears at the recollection. "I just wish they would of held Carlos, and saw him like I saw him. He was and still is the most important part of me. It amazed me that I had made him, that he'd been created inside of me. They wouldn't understand. They didn't even try to get to know him. I thought they would be proud, and happy that I finally had something that made my life worth living. It was bad enough that I was a squib, but I made the mistake of reproducing."

"I'm very sorry to hear that." Lucius said because it seemed appropriate.

"No you aren't. Don't lie to me. You'd of done the exact same thing." Maura said, a large fat tear rolling down her cheek. Lucius was offended, but in the long run, he had to admit she was right. He'd brutally murder Draco if he came home with a baby and a muggle wife on his arm.

"I know it's stupid, but sometimes I hope that Carlos will start showing signs of magic. So I can prove to them that I'm not worthless and that I can do something right."

"That's not stupid, and it is plausible," Lucius said, even though he was thinking the exact opposite, but he hated seeing women cry. It disturbed him and made him think he'd done something incredibly wrong. He usually associated a female crying with him not getting laid later. Narcissa used to cry a lot. Maura gave him a watery smile.

"Thanks, but I know your just humoring me."

_Damn she's good_, Lucius thought. She was very perceptive especially when it came to emotions. One thing he'd learned to appreciate about her, was that when she got upset, she let other people know she was upset and why she was upset. He was fond of this quality because most of the women he'd associated himself with led him through the twisted maze of the female psyche and before he actually got the source, he had long lasting battle scars.

A loud voice cackled from the register, though this was thoroughly unnecessary because they were sitting right in beside the counter.

"Number 126, your order is ready."

Maura looked down at her receipt and hopped up. She picked up the tray that held their lunch and sat it down on the table.

"Dig in."

One cheese burger and thirty seven French fries later, Lucius was stuffed. That had been some of the most delicious cuisine he'd ever tasted, and he wanted more, which was odd considering he was thoroughly full.

"Told you it was good didn't I?" Maura said, and stuffed the last bite of her burger into her mouth. Lucius nodded eagerly and eyed her French fries. "Oh go on and take them then. I can't eat anymore." Lucius snatched the carton up and began stuffing the contents into his mouth. It disgusted him how addicting these…French fries were. He even licked the salt from the carton.

"Merlin, no wonder Americans are so over weight. This is amazing."

Maura laughed loudly and Lucius had to join in. For the first time, Lucius caught himself liking her.


	8. Lucius' First Job

In the months that passed, Maura and Lucius found themselves becoming fast friends. He hated himself for it; he was supposed to hate her…kind. He found himself bored and lonely on the days she worked. She worked at a small general store, though she was taking typing classes at the local community college so she could perhaps get a desk job somewhere with better benefits for herself and her son. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life so dependant on Fernando.

One day, Lucius was sitting in his bed, watching T.V. that Maura had found on sale. Maura was later than usual coming home, for he was watching Friends. Oh how he loathed this show. He did not find Joey's stupidity in the least bit funny. Not only that, he just couldn't fathom Ross and Rachel's rocky relationship. As much as he hated the show, he couldn't help but to keep watching. He hadn't even noticed Maura standing in the doorway with her work smock on. Then a commercial cut in, and he muted the T.V. with the remote.

"I see you've discovered Friends." Maura said, quietly causing Lucius to jump a little. Carlos came running in with Grady nipping at his heels. He jumped on Lucius' bed and began jumping up and down. Grady trampled Lucius trying to tackle Carlos. Carlos shrieked in jubilation as the dog knocked him down and began licking his face unmercifully.

"TOP! TOP!" Carlos cried, giggling. Lucius jumped up crossing two fingers in front of his face.

"Oh, stop it. He's not THAT bad, Lucius." Maura said, trying to stifle a giggle.

"Get him out of here," Lucius hissed, his eyes wide. He had actually grown to fear the kid, and it was quite tiresome on Maura's part. She believed that Fernando had caught on to her and Lucius' sort of relationship and was encouraging Carlos to torment him. It had gotten to the point where she had to stop smoking completely because she found Carlos in Lucius' room one time, with her lighter, trying to light his belongings on fire. He had gotten an hour in his time out chair of that one. She could not figure out how Carlos had figured out how to use the lighter, considering he was two, and the lighter was child proof. At a closer glance, she realized the ring that prevented children from lighting the lighter had been removed, crudely.

She had to face it: her baby boy was an evil genius. And yes, he was that bad.

"Come on, Carlos." She picked up the boy from the bed with a grunt. "You're getting too heavy for Mommy to pick you up anymore." She sat him down just outside of the door way, where he ran off squealing as Grady chased after him again. She heard Gill shriek and a crash of something delicate breaking and she winced. She turned back to Lucius, who sat back down on the bed. He patted a spot next to him, and she sat down.

"So, I've got good news," she said, smiling at him. He looked around and made sure no one was watching, namely the demon child, and gave her a deep kiss. It lasted for several seconds and he had to admit, her touch electrified him. He liked stealing kisses from her, because it always caught her off guard. He liked being spontaneous, especially with her. She finally pulled away, and touched his cheek softly. He gazed down at her, trying to figure out if he indeed loved her or if he was just horny all the time. He realized though, that he wasn't horny this time, and he almost vomited at the fact that he enjoyed the kiss knowing he wasn't using it to get laid. Maura cleared her throat, tearing him away from his thoughts.

"As I was saying, I have good news. You want to hear it?" She said with an almost childish giddiness.

"Do go on."

"So, today, that bitch Sabrina quit because apparently I was too hard on her. I put in a good word with the manager about you, and he wants an interview with you."

Lucius swallowed hard. He had been living with Maura for almost four months and he still wasn't sure he was quite ready to get a job yet. He didn't know exactly what Maura did for a living, and frankly he figured it was a girl's job any how. But then he figured he'd be working with Maura and it wouldn't be so bad. He wouldn't be bored and lonely, and further more he wouldn't be stuck at home answering the telephone. He couldn't figure that damn contraption out. Part of the time, he got hung up on because he yelled into the phone, and the other part he talked into the wrong end. And figuring out how to dial was no day at the beach either. Aside from Carlos, the phone was his enemy. He avoided it at all cost.

"Maura…I'm not so sure…" Lucius said. Maura's expression softened and she pushed a lock of hair that was hanging in his eyes behind his ear.

"Oh, it's not that bad, I promise. You'll be working with me. Come on, it will be fun!"

"Alright, I'll do it, but what is this…manager person like…and what are his weaknesses…"

Maura smiled at him, and pat his shoulder. She began going through his closet, trying to figure out something for him to wear. She muttered to herself, thinking he had no normal clothes. All he had were dressy stuff that he probably considered casual and robes.

"You're going to have to borrow some of Gill's clothing because Gary is anal."

"Anal, noted," Lucius said. "What else?"

"Hmm…well, he's always trying to get into my pants…"

"I'm doomed."

"Oh stop being so pessimistic."

"I'm not being pessimistic. He wants to get into your pants, and I _am _getting in to your pants…it won't sit too well with him." Lucius said, dejectedly. The thought of porking Maura in a back room some where excited him greatly, but if her boss found out, he would most likely fire them both.

"He doesn't have to know that. Besides, with you there, he might not be so keen to try and get into my pants. Compared to him, you're actually kind of macho."

"That's a laugh."

"It's true." Maura picked out a pair of black slacks from and tossed them at Lucius, who caught them. "Tell him your gay, that way he will have to hire you."

Lucius stood and grabbed Maura from behind, and whispered in her ear.

"Won't it be obvious I'm not when he catches us during our lunch break?" He bit her ear lobe, and felt her shiver. He rubbed her arms gently and the effect was immediate. Tiny goose bumps popped up all over them. She turned in his arms, and wrapped a leg around his waist. He hoisted her up and slammed the door shut, just as he dropped her on the bed.

"So you've never held a job in your life?" Gary the manager said looking up from Lucius' application to Lucius himself. Lucius squirmed slightly.

"That's correct, sir."

"And why is it that you've decided to apply here?" Gary said, raising an eyebrow at him. Lucius was sure Gary could see large sweat stains in the white collared shirt he had borrowed from Gill. His hair hung in a simple pony tail, though strands kept coming loose and falling in his eyes.

"Well, I'm staying in the US for a year and I haven't anything to do."

"Can you provide proof that you're allowed to work in the United States…"

"Well…I ..don't…"

"I can't hire you unless you have those documents…"

The door swung open and Maura stepped in looking infuriated. She stomped over to Gary and pointed a finger at him.

"You hired me before I had those papers, so don't try that on him!" She said, her voice developed a dangerous edge. Lucius cringed a little.

"Yes, but you were applying for citizenship and…" Gary started, but Maura shushed him.

"And don't even get me started on the Mexican workers you hired to unload the trucks! I bet if I went around and asked that they provide me with proof that they're allowed to work here they couldn't! So hire him, or I'm reporting you!"

Lucius felt the urge to clap, but didn't want to break the silence that was being held between Maura and Gary. Maura glared at Gary, and Gary finally gave in. He turned to Lucius and sighed.

"Welcome aboard. When can you start?"

"He can start tomorrow. And I'll be training him." Maura said haughtily. Lucius stood, and Maura smiled smugly.

"Let's go get something to eat;" she said to Lucius and then turned to Gary, "I'll be back in half an hour."

And with that Maura left the room, leaving Gary to glare at Lucius. Lucius gave him a half smile, and followed Maura, wondering what he had gotten himself into. He caught up with her in the parking lot where she was fumbling with her keys.

"I should report him anyway, what a fucker."

"I guess I should thank you for standing up for me, but how did you know…"

"I was eavesdropping. I'm sorry. I knew he might try and pull something like that, so I put the "be back in five sign" and listened."

"Well, thank you."

She smiled at him, and gave him a wink.

"Anything for you."

* * *

**Jeese..yeah...I know its not my best work, but my main computer crashed with all my documents on it, so I'll probably redo this one in the future, but for now this will have to do. I'm so sorry you guys (. Really. This isn't the original chapter 8 I had written, the original chapter 8, which was much better, but I just couldn't redo it. Once I get my other computer up and running and provided my documents are still there (which they should be), I'll replace this chapter with the original. Again, I apologize. There's much more fluff in this chapter, and I hate it, but I couldn't leave you guys hanging.**

**  
Here's what you can look forward to: a visit from Draco and perhaps Carlos being put in his place. Also, Lucius gets to celebrate his first Fourth of July Maura style, with firecrackers. **


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